The Titania's Breakdown
by Sarroush
Summary: *On Hiatus* As she slowly began to lose hope in the rotting dungeon, Erza Scarlet thought it would be the perfect time to think back on her most recent mistakes and failures. All of which revolved around a certain blonde celestial mage. Er/Lu! Will contain occasional yuri.
1. Incident at Galuna Island

***Disclaimer: Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima.**

**A/N: **Hey there! This is a new ErLu fic. Spur of the moment kind of thing. The setting is around chapter 365, but the upcoming chapters will cover most of the major arcs.

Hope you enjoy.

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><p>She was betrayed, captured, humiliated, tortured. Everything she had been 20 years ago in the Tower of Paradise. She had promised herself that she would never allow anyone to put her through anything like that again. And there she was. Wrists and ankles clasped with anti magic seal stone chains, and completely naked, feet barely touching the cold hard floor. She hadn't had the time to look around the dungeon, but given she was alone, the red haired mage lifted her head a bit and surveyed her surroundings. The walls and the floor were made of cobblestone. Chains and shackles were hammered into the walls faces of the cell, while some lay on the floor. There hung the scent of blood, death...and suffering. Either the cell itself was engulfed in a chill, or her naked form couldn't keep the warmth inside her. The only light present was that of the nine ever slowly burning candles that stood like soldiers on the floor. As they flickered with the occasional cold air, the mage's eyes began to ache and tire. How she wished to be in her room at Fairy Hills or at their library. How she wished to talk of novels to a certain blonde mage, or take on quests with her. They had never done it alone, had they? Would she even have a chance anymore? The quests aside, would she be given a chance to be honest with the younger girl? Let her know how she really felt? She didn't know. How could she?<p>

She was still in pain from the last torture session. The blood flowing out from her arms, stomach and thighs had dried, becoming very uncomfortable. But she had other things to worry about. Mira was in danger, she was in danger, but she couldn't do anything. She was powerless! How could she make such a stupid mistake?! Why wasn't she suspicious?! Why did she have to trust that stupid man?! She was the reason they were in their current situation! She was the one at fault! Mira shouldn't have had to suffer because of her! She was too overconfident. Just because at some point in time, both of them had been S-Class mages didn't mean they were unstoppable. Erza knew this better than anyone, and yet! And yet! She still let Mira get captured. She couldn't take it anymore. The list kept getting bigger and bigger. Her failures never stopped piling up. She may have remedied them in the end, but that didn't change what they were originally. Failures. Her failures that caused harm to her friends, her family, her loved ones, Lucy.

The chronologically 26 year old mage hung her head in pure shame and disgust at herself. This wasn't a mere mistake. This was the failure beyond failures. That Tartarus woman wouldn't stop until Erza coughed up Jellal's location. But she didn't know! Erza really didn't know! Even if she did, she wasn't sure she'd tell the woman, but she really did not know! The last time she had seen the runaway mage was when the dragons attacked! Was she to lie? Or did the woman know Erza had no idea and was only having twisted fun? She sighed, wincing at the cuts on her chest. There was nothing she could do. She was powerless and overcome with exhaustion and pain.

She could barely keep her eyes open, surprised she hadn't fainted. She didn't want to give the torturer even more pleasure. But Kyouka was merciless. Her magic? Curse? Whatever it was, was horryfing. Even the slightest touch had Erza's nerves going haywire. Shaking her head as painlessly as she could, the captured mage decided to get some rest, a loose term, given how hard that would be for someone in her predicament.

As exhaustion began to overtake her, she thought back to her most noteworthy failures ever since her meeting with a certain blonde celestial mage. It's not like she had anything better to do.

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><p>As the group of five was returning from the not-so-officially-taken-S-Class-quest, Erza was pissed off. It wasn't really because the blonde had gone on an S-Class quest with an ignorant cat and a stupid dragon slayer. It was because she had gone without an S-Class mage. She wasn't jealous, just worried. When she found out that Gray had decided to stay with the rule breakers, she had gone ballistic. The celestial mage had put herself in needless danger, and the requip mage wasn't there to save her! She would have been squashed if it weren't for Erza! Who knows what other things could have happened if the S-Class mage hadn't made it in time! This was why she was so angry. If she had just stopped them from stealing the quest and leaving, none of the "what-if's" would be crawling through Erza's brain. The possibility questions aside, Lucy wouldn't have been in danger! It was all the redhead's fault.<p>

Erza didn't think Lucy was weak. Not in the least bit. But ever since she saw her for the very first time, the blonde had caught her interest. The desire to protect her was never ending and exponentially strong. Her fear and worry would have calmed if Gray had brought them back, but instead, the ice mage had decided to stay and deal with an old friend. Would Erza have put Lucy in danger just to deal with her past? No. She wouldn't! She would never endanger a guild mate like that. Why did her friends have to be so selfish at times?!

So, what did she do when she found the troublemaker who had decided to go with Natsu? Saved her of course, but right afterwards, tied her up and scolded her rather menacingly, hoping to get her point across. That the girl should never repeat what she had done. Doing an S-Class quest without an S-Class mage! Unheard of! Only her guild would do such stupid things! Did she regret her strict behavior? Not really. She was very angry though. All she wanted to do was get Natsu and Gray, return to the guild and have them rightfully punished. She just hoped her worry for the blonde crossed over and Lucy understood why Erza was doing what she was doing. Did it work? Maybe. She couldn't really tell. On the other hand, Lucy had always been a smart and attentive girl so Erza wouldn't have been surprised if Lucy was aware that the redhead's actions were only for the blonde's safety.

Needless to say, she felt rather bad for the punishment the girl was to receive with the ice mage and the fire dragon slayer, but it couldn't be helped. Breaking the rules meant being punished. Specially one as big as that. She would not tolerate a guild of rule breakers.

Though Erza felt for the girl, she knew this was the only way for her to learn. The older woman had to admit however, that though she was very protective of Fairy Tail, she was even more protective of Lucy. Not to mention possessive. Every time Natsu and Lucy went out on a quest, she was jealous and angry. It seemed childish, and it probably was, but Erza couldn't lie to herself. She wanted to be alone with Lucy! She didn't want Natsu close to the blonde, not one bit. Erza trusted Natsu. She considered him a younger brother. But she also knew how risky most of his actions were. It didn't help how little he thought before doing something either. The blonde would always be in danger if with him. Given everything ended up being solved, Erza still considered this a failure on her part. She had put Lucy in danger because of her inability to stop her. Letting the blonde go was her first mistake. To people looking at it from the outside, it didn't seem to be a big deal, but the requip mage could not tolerate putting the girl she liked in needless danger.

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><p>That was her first mistake in a series of nine that she had committed ever since she met Lucy. Mistakes that had put both their lives in danger. She regretted them with her entire being, yet a part of her accepted them as cause to get closer to the girl. Though they might not have seemed as major ordeals or horrifying failures to others, to this mage, they were the worst possible mistakes she could have made.<p>

As the flame of a single candle went out, the cold shackles toying with her blood flow, Erza Scarlet sighed and thought back to her second mistake.

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><p><strong>AN:** That's the end of chapter 1. Pretty short, planning on making the rest longer. But just as a heads up, I'm not planning on retelling entire arcs. It will mostly be how Erza was feeling during and after each of them.

Let me know your thoughts. R&R is greatly appreciate!


	2. War with the Phantoms

**A/N:** Alright! Here is chapter 2. Thanks for the reviews, favorites, and follows you guys.

I was planning on putting this up earlier, but midterms took a good chunk of my time. When I had some free time, I wanted to game and in the end I was too tired to write. Having too many hobbies sucks! Also, there is no way for me to respond to Guest reviews, so unfortunately, if you ask a question as a guest, you might be left hanging.

To the guest who wants the Kyouka x Erza fic, you might have to wait a while longer. I have 3 fics I'm working on at the moment. Speaking of which, I sorta lost my motivation for this fic with the latest chapter. After getting to the last page, which was incredibly badass by the way (I made it my phone's screen, it's that awesome), I went "Well what's the point of my story now?!" But don't worry dear reader, I have gotten my motivation back!

In any event, forgive the rambling and have a fun read!

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><p>They had gone to war and had managed to pull through without any casualties, just injuries. It was a surprising feat the scarlet haired mage was forever grateful for. However, at that moment in time where she was sitting on Lucy's bed after all was said and done with the latter's father, Erza couldn't help but think about how all of this could have been avoided.<p>

It couldn't have. Phantom Lord had always been a rival to Fairy Tail, which means this was bound to happen one day. But like the way it did? Could nothing have been changed?

"Erza?" She was brought out from her thoughts by the younger blonde. It was strange. She had only known Lucy for a few months and felt incredibly close to her. The need to protect her grew every day and every night. She just wanted to hold her, have her forget the bad memories, put a stop to new ones.

"Do you want to stay the night?" inquired Lucy as she looked at the older woman. Erza didn't know what was going through the blonde's head at the moment, but she figured part of it was exhaustion. Phantom Lord aside, they had just come back from seeing her father after all. Natsu, Gray and Happy had all left, but Erza had felt the need to stay a while longer.

"Would you mind?" At this point, Erza assumed Lucy would go the typical route she usually did of "THIS IS MY HOUSE!" and kick her out. But a part of her doubted that since she was offered to stay after all.

The celestial mage shook her head. Erza could stay. The requip mage was forever grateful, as she wanted to spend a few quiet moments with Lucy. As the blonde undressed and went to shower, Erza lay on her bed, looking at the particularly interesting ceiling. Taking in a deep sigh, she closed her eyes as she heard the water begin to spray down.

It hadn't even been a single day since their return from the S-class quest that their guild had been attacked. After her failure with the latter, she had thought she'd be able to get a break and think back on her actions, find a way to prevent something like that of happening again. That clearly didn't work out well for her, as her guild master declared war on Phantom Lord. She wasn't against it in the least bit. What they had done to the guild and team Shadow Gear was unforgiveable and they had to pay. At the same time however, her thoughts were going around in circles. If Lucy and Natsu hadn't broken the rules, Erza would still be in Magnolia, and could have prevented the guild from being attacked! Ok, maybe not because it was attacked at night, but she could have protected Levy, Droy and Jet! Why wasn't she able to protect them? Because she was with Lucy, Natsu and Gray. Why? Because they had broken guild rules and taken an S-Class quest when they weren't allowed to. Why? Because Natsu was an idiot and Erza wasn't there to stop Lucy. Why? Because Erza was a failure.

It all came back down to a single fact. The war with Phantom was Erza's fault. It sounded preposterous and it probably was. But she believed in that fact strongly. If Erza had been there to convince Lucy to ignore Natsu's quest, they would all still be in Magnolia and none of this would have happened.

The worst part from the Phantom attack though? Oh, that's yet to come. First is how she let Makarov get injured. Aria had caught him off guard. It wouldn't have happened though. If Erza wasn't too busy enjoying beating up fodder, her master would not have had his magic sucked out of him. Why didn't she go with him?! Why didn't she protect him?! If she had been with him, things would have turned out differently. She had defeated Aria, so she knew the only reason Makarov lost was that he was caught off guard. He wouldn't have been if she was with him! Damn it, damn it, damn it! Her faults kept piling up, over and over again.

She had the guild retreat. They stood no chance against Jose when their master was down. It was embarrassing. Erza wanted to wipe the floor with every single Phantom Lord member but she knew that wasn't possible at the moment. Being the only S-Class mage at the scene, with their master down, she was the one in charge. Ordering a retreat was the only possible scenario. Her duty was to protect her guild members.

The irony was that the one person she wanted to protect the most wasn't with them. She was kidnapped! Unbelievable. Erza had no idea Lucy was kidnapped. When did she find out? When Natsu brought her back and she started retelling the guild about her past. At that point, Erza couldn't take it. In less than a day, she had committed two mistakes. The first one was not going with her master and the second one was not realizing Lucy had been kidnapped. The day had started out wonderfully hadn't it? How could things get any worse, she had wondered. A bit too soon unfortunately, as minutes later, she was standing in front of the guild in her Adamantine armor, ready to tank a giant laser beam magic cannon called Jupiter. If that thing hit the guild, everyone would perish. Finally, she could do something to make up for her mistakes. She could protect everyone, protect Lucy.

How naive a statement that was. Sure she protected the guild and made it clear to Jose that she would rather die than hand over Lucy to him. But nothing came out of her actions. She was no longer fit for battle. Ok, that wasn't really the end of the world. She had done her job, protected everyone. Until Jose had declared he was firing the cannon again. Damn him! Her armor was destroyed! That was her strongest defense armor! She was injured. She could barely stand. How was she supposed to protect them again? How was she supposed to protect Lucy? Thankfully for her, Mira had switched places with Lucy and had Reedus take her to their hideout.

Erza was relieved and could rest for a bit while the others tried to deal with the Element Four to shut down Jupiter. So what was the problem? Lucy had been kidnapped yet again. Erza was getting increasingly unnerved. Why could she never protect the girl she liked?! What was it that she lacked?! She was an S-Class mage for crying out loud. And yet! And yet! She couldn't protect her. Why was she so incompetent?!

She was pissed off. Royally pissed off. After having rested for a few moments, she made haste to Phantom's lair to end this once and for all. Having quickly defeated Aria with one strike, she told Natsu to go rescue Lucy. At that moment, she hated herself. She knew that in her current state she couldn't hope to fight the Phantom's Dragon Slayer, let alone Jose if he was there. She couldn't believe she had failed so bad. She hadn't been able to protect the guild initially, team Shadow Gear was out of commission for a while, Lucy had been kidnapped, the guild had nearly been destroyed a second time, and Lucy had been kidnapped AGAIN. Why couldn't she just destroy that worthless guild?! Why did she have to rely on other people to save Lucy?! She was so useless. So weak. So...undeserving. That's right. She didn't deserve Lucy if she couldn't even protect her. Natsu had saved her countless times before. Maybe he was the one meant for her. It's not like Erza knew Lucy's feelings anyways. Who's to say she even liked the requip mage? It was more likely she was smitten with the fire dragon slayer. It couldn't be helped. Though Natsu was childish at times, his personality was more likeable than Erza's, or so she thought.

She didn't deserve the girl, but she wanted her. It was strange, since they had only known each other for such a short time, but she couldn't help it. Erza wanted Lucy to need her. Erza wanted to protect her, take care of her, love her.

How could she? She didn't even know of all the past hardships the younger girl had undergone. How her father had treated her. How lonely she was until she joined Fairy Tail. Erza didn't know anything about Lucy's past. One would say that it wasn't her fault, since Lucy hadn't talked about it. But Erza could have asked her. Could have probed her to talk. She didn't. She hadn't asked Lucy anything. Maybe, just maybe, if she had, none of this would have happened. None of it! The guild would be safe, Lucy would be safe!

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><p>Opening her eyes, she decided that reminiscing about the past few days was enough. Everything had worked out in the end. There was no use in putting herself down. Easier said than done of course. She needed to apologize. To who? The guild? Sure, but the most important thing at the moment was to apologize to Lucy. She was still a bit out of it given how everything had just piled up. Not to mention she was inconceivably exhausted. Did she take off her clothes? No. She merely opened the door to the younger girl's bathroom, and stepped into the shower. Before Lucy could turn around in shock, Erza wrapped her arms around the girl's wet body, holding her in place.<p>

She was certain Lucy was shocked. No one could blame her. This was certainly out of character for the red head. Even she couldn't deny it. As the water flowed onto both of them, rinsing Lucy's hair of the remaining shampoo, both of them stayed silent. Erza could feel Lucy's warmth, her softness. That's when it hit her. She could have lost this girl for good. There was a chance that she would never see her again. Never hear her laugh, her screams, her irrational facial expressions.

"I'm so sorry," she whimpered as she hid her face in the crook of the naked girl's neck.

The younger girl placed her hands on the arms wrapped around her, confused. She moved a bit, trying to face the older woman, but to no avail. Erza wouldn't budge or weaken her hold.

"Erza? Wha-" She has cut off when Erza let out, "I failed you. Multiple times. I couldn't protect you. I'm so sorry, Lucy."

That's when Lucy relaxed her body and leaned more into Erza, "What are you talking about? Erza, you protected everyone. Without you, none of us would be here. I wouldn't be here. Jupiter would have destroyed everything and everyone. You saved us, all of us. You didn't fail."

"I let you get kidnapped!" She tightened her hold.

"No, you didn't. What happened wasn't your fault. I was too weak to protect myself and I was overwhelmed. So many different emotions were flying around at the time, but none of that matters anymore. Let's put all of this behind us."

"You're not weak," Erza let out in Lucy's neck.

"Thank you," Lucy smiled. "I think we should get out though before you catch a cold in your clothes."

Erza's hold weakened enough that Lucy could turn around in her arms. "What do you say?" The younger girl put a hand on her companion's cheek and grinned as the water kept pouring down on them. Erza nodded, letting out a small smi-

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><p>"AAAAH!"<p>

Her eyes shot wide open with tears as pain crossed over her chest.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha," she had to catch her breath.

"I'm quite certain no one told you you could take a nap, Titania."

She was back. The sensitivity voodoo magic demon who wanted Jellal's location. What was her name again? Kyouka? What did she want now? How many times must Erza have repeated that she didn't know where he was?

"Where is Jellal?"

"I don't know."

"You really don't want Mirajane freed, do you?" Another whip-like attack, this time on her back. The pain was unbearable. Though it was only her back that was hit, it felt as though her entire body had been struck by thousands of needles, slowly going into her skin. Why was this happening? Why couldn't she just be at the guild with everyone else? With Lucy? Remembering that time in the shower hadn't helped. Erza wanted to hold Lucy. Feel her warmth. Why could she never have what she wanted? Why did everyone have to stand in front of her? All she wanted was the blonde.

'_Funny how you're talking like you deserve her. You've only been through 2 of your 9 failures. Both of which had already nearly cost her life. You failed horrendously. Gajeel could have killed Lucy, would have killed her if it weren't for Natsu. You were weak then, and you're weak now. You can't protect yourself. How the hell would you be able to protect Lucy? Oh, that's right. You wouldn't. You failed to protect her so many times already. Maybe you should just give up. Give up and let this woman kill you. It's not like you'll be leaving this place anytime soon anyways.'_

Great. Now she was talking to herself. Had she finally lost her mind?

"We can do this as many times as you want, Erza."

Hanging from the chains, she looked into the woman's eyes, issuing a challenge. _'Give up and let this woman kill you.'_ That was what she had thought, wasn't it? That was wrong. She couldn't die yet. She had made a promise at the Tower of Paradise. A promise not to throw her life away. The Tower of Paradise...That's right. That's where she committed her third mistake. That was when she started doubting herself. Doubting that she even had the right to call herself Lucy's friend.

Letting out a cruel smile, Kyouka accepted the younger woman's challenge. One the latter immediately regretted. As her torture session went on, the second of nine candles burning out, Erza thought it was time to return to the location where her past and present intersected. Where she could not protect Lucy even if she wanted to. The one place that turned her from a mage into a regular, scared girl. That place was where she committed her third mistake. The Tower of Paradise.

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><p><strong>AN: **And that's that! I'm glad it ended up being longer than Chapter 1. I was actually worried it wouldn't be. Well, R&R is appreciated. I hope you enjoyed. Keep a look out for chapter 3. Hopefully shouldn't take too long as I'm on Reading Week (super early spring break. Damn you Canadian university)! WOO!


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